Exactly where I should be
It's now more than ten days since I've been back from the States but I am still feeling the effect of my trip.
It had been a while since I had been in the States for such a long time purely for holiday. I had been there for concerts,but on trips like those,I'm totally focused on myself and my music so I don't really have time to absorb anything from the actual place itself.
Something really interesting happened this time after I had been there for a week. After a week of being in a totally relaxed mood,seeing friends and just really enjoying myself,I suddenly remembered how I used to feel when I was growing up as a kid in New York. I remembered how I used to be full of confidence and that I felt that everything seemed so easy and that it seemed like anything was possible. I remembered how I was able to say exactly what I wanted to say and not worry about it's effect. It was like suddenly the stronger side of me had emerged.
This is really interesting because I had always wondered,all these years since I had left New York,what my life would've been like if I had stayed in America.
After I had moved back to Japan,all this confidence was completely shattered. I couldn't speak the language to start off with so you can imagine what a failure I suddenly felt like in every aspect of life. In America,I thought I could do everything. In Japan,I suddenly felt like I was so bad at everything. And so,after the age of 8,I had never regained that confidence I had when I was little.
But,on this trip,I was given a glimpse again of how it felt like when I did have this confidence. It felt great,and also I felt like I was able to say exactly what I wanted to say without having to process it!
Ironically though,after a few days I realized that if I had grown up with this attitude I would have become a really selfish person. Not only that,I realize that because I had lost my confidence I had become more sympathetic to others and I am sure that I am more sensitive to other people's feelings because of this. This is a truly important and necessary trait for a musician and I believe that I am a better musician because I have had this experience.
Now,at last, at this point in my life,I can say that I am truly grateful for all the experiences that I have had all throughout my life,as I have faith that they all had their meanings. (Although there are still some that I wished hadn't happened. But I guess I don't have a say in that...)
I don't know where I might be going from here,but I can definitely say that I must be exactly where I should be at this given moment.
