January 2010

Exactly where I should be

It's now more than ten days since I've been back from the States but I am still feeling the effect of my trip.

It had been a while since I had been in the States for such a long time purely for holiday. I had been there for concerts,but on trips like those,I'm totally focused on myself and my music so I don't really have time to absorb anything from the actual place itself.

Something really interesting happened this time after I had been there for a week. After a week of being in a totally relaxed mood,seeing friends and just really enjoying myself,I suddenly remembered how I used to feel when I was growing up as a kid in New York. I remembered how I used to be full of confidence and that I felt that everything seemed so easy and that it seemed like anything was possible. I remembered how I was able to say exactly what I wanted to say and not worry about it's effect. It was like suddenly the stronger side of me had emerged.
This is really interesting because I had always wondered,all these years since I had left New York,what my life would've been like if I had stayed in America.

After I had moved back to Japan,all this confidence was completely shattered. I couldn't speak the language to start off with so you can imagine what a failure I suddenly felt like in every aspect of life. In America,I thought I could do everything. In Japan,I suddenly felt like I was so bad at everything. And so,after the age of 8,I had never regained that confidence I had when I was little.

But,on this trip,I was given a glimpse again of how it felt like when I did have this confidence. It felt great,and also I felt like I was able to say exactly what I wanted to say without having to process it!

Ironically though,after a few days I realized that if I had grown up with this attitude I would have become a really selfish person. Not only that,I realize that because I had lost my confidence I had become more sympathetic to others and I am sure that I am more sensitive to other people's feelings because of this. This is a truly important and necessary trait for a musician and I believe that I am a better musician because I have had this experience.

Now,at last, at this point in my life,I can say that I am truly grateful for all the experiences that I have had all throughout my life,as I have faith that they all had their meanings. (Although there are still some that I wished hadn't happened. But I guess I don't have a say in that...)

I don't know where I might be going from here,but I can definitely say that I must be exactly where I should be at this given moment.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!!! Wishing the world happiness and peace!

I've just come back from my trip to NY. Although not intended,it turned out to be an almost soul searching journey. I've learned a great deal about myself and also I seemed to have been given answers to so many questions that I have been asking myself all these years.

I am feeling energized and positive. A great way to start the New Year!